The last few weeks have been riddled with doc appointments and stress that blogging was not the first thing on my mind :-) ... but I am okay now and ready to blog away... that being said i will be breaking this down into several blogs :-).
First let me tell you what's been up with the doc appts... My pacemaker has been going off quite a bit more then usual lately--- i was trying to chalk it up to stress --- but when you have to go to the ER more then once (try one to two times a week --sometimes more) in a month --- it might be time to get a second opinion on what the ER docs can't figure out. I went from being told it was stress to "if we can't figure it out and get your pulse rate steady and up -- along with your blood pressure, you might not make it much longer".... WOW! what words to hear ... so i schedule a appt with my cardiologist and my pcp -- things i had held off doing because i seriously believed it to be STRESS ... my pcp orders a few more catscans (still need to get these done), and my cardiologist gives me the answer that calms my nerves... I have a "leaky" heart :-) --- what this means is that one of my valves that help move the blood along doesn't quite close all the way so some blood goes the wrong way --- it's not too bad right now, but because when this happens it makes the heart "skip" a beat -- and my pacemaker is programmed to pick up these abnormalties-- my pacemaker goes off and does what it's suppose to --- the ANSWER has been given... now for the actions to take--- NONE :-) for now anyways--- just have to be monitored -- if it gets worse then surgery will be needed but for now I AM GOOD... however, he is running more test as well just to be sure nothing else is up --- got to love that "however" they love to throw in there.
So while that may not sound like good news to some .... it is great news to me for the simple fact i now KNOW what is going on. Now here is the food for thought... isn't it amazing how calming KNOWING makes us feel!?!... but in reality KNOWING does not really change the outcome... we fight against the unknown because we are not in control, and that scares us-- which offers the downward effect... but even KNOWING does not gives us complete control, because there can always be a surprise around the corner that will turn what you think you know into a whole new revelation. My goal for the next month is to "let go"... not worry about "knowing", but enjoy and LIVE to the fullest. As my message to myself says " Where I am right now is PERFECT". I love you guys that have helped me to get here.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
40 Dates in 40 Nights
So as I mentioned in my last blog... I have gone a few dates. Because I have really tried focusing on my career and family first I have not really gone out since before Bree`na was born. So, I was talking with a friend and decided why not jump start this dating thing real quick... 1) I was quite uncomfortable with the dating idea anyway; 2) I don't know HOW to date :-) ; 3) I had no clue really where to meet people... my idea to jump start it was kind of like a drawn out "speed date" round -- you know where you date like ten people in one hour -- I was going to go on 40 Dates in 40 Nights. Sounded "out-of-this-world" ... my friend was like "how are you going to pull that off?" . So, I explained my thoughts --- I could do the whole uncomfortable dating thing with a different guy each night ... not really looking for "THE ONE" ... but just trying to get out there and understand how the dating world works these days... kind of a preparation to know what is expected. My plan was to do evening dates that were -- very public, but still fun and allowing for conversation... then if i liked them enough I could do a follow up lunch that would allow us to talk/connect on a deeper level or what not. My friend was intrigued at how i could make this work... so i embarked upon this journey :-).
Now the kicker was ... HOW was I going to get 40 guys!?!?!?! -- if I didn't know where to find guys before, what made me think i could find 40 for this. Instead of seeing this as a step-back, I seen this as an opportunity for inner change on my part... I'm not really all that shy but I definitely have never been forward on the "dating" front. So I got to thinking about the guys that have asked me out or shown interest over the last few months, and started making a list .... woohoo!! i had 12 candidates within minutes... not a bad start. Then with that list I came up with first dates that would be fun for those personalities and would allow us to get to know each other. Then as those people hit(means texted or called) me over the next few days, I let them know i was interested in a date and what I would like to do. As I went on these dates I also let them know up front I wasn't looking for anything serious right now... just trying to find some companionship --- "kewl people to hang with" --- and that I had many dates lined up --- just wanted to make sure not to mislead these guys... u know what I mean!?!?
So my journey began... I went on my first date... now to protect the innocence of all parties involved I have given nicknames to each candidate and will use those through out my stories.
First up was, Mr. Quick Committer. This gentleman is a record producer, and a very nice guy overall. I have known him for over a year, and he has tried to get em to go on a date several times. When I finally agreed to go on a date with him, he was definitely surprised and excited. We went to dinner at PF Changs, and then over to a Pool Hall to play a little billiards. Dinner was well, we had great conversation and I learned a little more about him... like he was wanting to settle down and start a family and so forth... now keep in mind I was upfront and let him know I had several other dates already lined up and what I was doing. When we get to the Pool Hall and we begin our first game, he gets down on a knee and ask me to marry him... yes MARRY HIM ... i was laughing thinking he was joking... but he was dead serious, saying "i know a good thing when i see it, and i don't want to let you get away from me" ... now I'm like WHOA!! ... okay this date has officially just gotten weird and needs to end... how do I do that without totally breaking the guy into pieces... hmmm ... I told him I'm not ready for marriage nor am I ready to continue the date with him because I didn't want to lead him on further. He asks me to stay and play and we can forget the "marriage" thing for now. I told him I was a bit uncomfortable and thought it best I go... I left and got several calls/text from him over the next couple of days, to which at first I just ignored and then I finally told him I just couldn't feel like making him think there might be hope when I knew I would not ever "be" with him.
Now, how was that for my first date back in the game!?!? ... Needless to say, it made me a little "iffy" to go on the rest of my dates. Mr. Quick Committer still text me ever once in a while to see if I have changed my mind yet... creepy, yet mildly funny :-) .
BTW... I have completed all 40 Dates and kept a great journal... to which all these post will be generated from... the next date will be posted soon... hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing and participating :-).
love ya
Now the kicker was ... HOW was I going to get 40 guys!?!?!?! -- if I didn't know where to find guys before, what made me think i could find 40 for this. Instead of seeing this as a step-back, I seen this as an opportunity for inner change on my part... I'm not really all that shy but I definitely have never been forward on the "dating" front. So I got to thinking about the guys that have asked me out or shown interest over the last few months, and started making a list .... woohoo!! i had 12 candidates within minutes... not a bad start. Then with that list I came up with first dates that would be fun for those personalities and would allow us to get to know each other. Then as those people hit(means texted or called) me over the next few days, I let them know i was interested in a date and what I would like to do. As I went on these dates I also let them know up front I wasn't looking for anything serious right now... just trying to find some companionship --- "kewl people to hang with" --- and that I had many dates lined up --- just wanted to make sure not to mislead these guys... u know what I mean!?!?
So my journey began... I went on my first date... now to protect the innocence of all parties involved I have given nicknames to each candidate and will use those through out my stories.
First up was, Mr. Quick Committer. This gentleman is a record producer, and a very nice guy overall. I have known him for over a year, and he has tried to get em to go on a date several times. When I finally agreed to go on a date with him, he was definitely surprised and excited. We went to dinner at PF Changs, and then over to a Pool Hall to play a little billiards. Dinner was well, we had great conversation and I learned a little more about him... like he was wanting to settle down and start a family and so forth... now keep in mind I was upfront and let him know I had several other dates already lined up and what I was doing. When we get to the Pool Hall and we begin our first game, he gets down on a knee and ask me to marry him... yes MARRY HIM ... i was laughing thinking he was joking... but he was dead serious, saying "i know a good thing when i see it, and i don't want to let you get away from me" ... now I'm like WHOA!! ... okay this date has officially just gotten weird and needs to end... how do I do that without totally breaking the guy into pieces... hmmm ... I told him I'm not ready for marriage nor am I ready to continue the date with him because I didn't want to lead him on further. He asks me to stay and play and we can forget the "marriage" thing for now. I told him I was a bit uncomfortable and thought it best I go... I left and got several calls/text from him over the next couple of days, to which at first I just ignored and then I finally told him I just couldn't feel like making him think there might be hope when I knew I would not ever "be" with him.
Now, how was that for my first date back in the game!?!? ... Needless to say, it made me a little "iffy" to go on the rest of my dates. Mr. Quick Committer still text me ever once in a while to see if I have changed my mind yet... creepy, yet mildly funny :-) .
BTW... I have completed all 40 Dates and kept a great journal... to which all these post will be generated from... the next date will be posted soon... hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing and participating :-).
love ya
Monday, October 6, 2008
MYStory
I have been on this kick since June 08 to really just change my life... doing it slowly, but also quickly so as to get the most out of it :-) . I have been losing weight and getting healthier on that front (just 20 more pounds till my goal wooohooo!). I have changed some of the people I surround myself with -- I have learned this year that I don't need to "save" everybody -- I can only remain optimistic and positive if I surround my self with like people --- constantly trying to help those see that they can do for themselves when they don't want to is a "downer" to my personality. YAY! I finally get it... right !?! :-) I also have re-evaluated my priorities and what I feel I want to still get out of the life I still have to live before me.
Now I set out for this blog and the next few to be inspiring to those finding themselves in a lull, and entertaining or heartfelt to those who are content. They will be long and short... funny and sad... but all in all it's what has gotten me to where I am right here -- right now.
First I come from some very loving parents, and I have 4 sisters (2 older and 2 younger). I am definitely the entertainer and nurturer in the family. I love to see people happy and smiling. I try to always see the positive in every situation, and this year for a short time I found myself missing that piece.
Some of the things I have been through in my life include: sexual abuse, heart condition, someone else's life or death decision in my hands, actually flat lining on a softball field( caused me to get a pacemaker at 25), being solely responsible for family monetarily at a younger age then most, cancer scare, having a daughter who was on antibiotics (in and out of the hospital) constantly from age 2 weeks to 15 months before they finally discovered her immune deficiency -- then battling all medical bills because they were sure someone other then me could claim her for insurance -- and her not really having a normal start to childhood because of how easy she gets sick, facing one of my worst nightmares, and most recently witnessing a shoot-out that could have very easily taken me out.
I have survived... and I am a STRONG Woman! ... and I realized that while I have been living life, I haven't truly been enjoying life to it's fullest. So I decided recently it was time for change, and anyone who knows me -- knows I can do drastic changes without really a thought. I have been "cleaning" up my life over the last month... evaluating what hold me back and where I need to put more attention at. I have let people go that were holding me back, and met new people to inspire me to keep going. I have LAUGHED with all that I am on the inside again. I have put myself and my daughter first. I have gone on a few dates. I have come ALIVE! My walk with Jesus has actually gotten closer, because I truly believe that I needed to go through everything I have for a reason... and while the reasons may not be forthcoming yet I know they were good ones. At some point I may give more details on the incidents and how they have changed me today, but for now I will focus on what change i have made.
One is the weight-- every woman loves when they get close to their weight goals :-)... Two is a new hair cut and new attitude -- I got all my hair cut off and will post a picture soon, I also have a much happier attitude towards where I am going... and number Three (this is the big one) --- I have gone on some dates (YAY!!!)... not something I have done since like high school :-)... now my next post will go into some of the dates... this is where it will get funny and you guys will really want to tune in :-)
enjoy your day
Now I set out for this blog and the next few to be inspiring to those finding themselves in a lull, and entertaining or heartfelt to those who are content. They will be long and short... funny and sad... but all in all it's what has gotten me to where I am right here -- right now.
First I come from some very loving parents, and I have 4 sisters (2 older and 2 younger). I am definitely the entertainer and nurturer in the family. I love to see people happy and smiling. I try to always see the positive in every situation, and this year for a short time I found myself missing that piece.
Some of the things I have been through in my life include: sexual abuse, heart condition, someone else's life or death decision in my hands, actually flat lining on a softball field( caused me to get a pacemaker at 25), being solely responsible for family monetarily at a younger age then most, cancer scare, having a daughter who was on antibiotics (in and out of the hospital) constantly from age 2 weeks to 15 months before they finally discovered her immune deficiency -- then battling all medical bills because they were sure someone other then me could claim her for insurance -- and her not really having a normal start to childhood because of how easy she gets sick, facing one of my worst nightmares, and most recently witnessing a shoot-out that could have very easily taken me out.
I have survived... and I am a STRONG Woman! ... and I realized that while I have been living life, I haven't truly been enjoying life to it's fullest. So I decided recently it was time for change, and anyone who knows me -- knows I can do drastic changes without really a thought. I have been "cleaning" up my life over the last month... evaluating what hold me back and where I need to put more attention at. I have let people go that were holding me back, and met new people to inspire me to keep going. I have LAUGHED with all that I am on the inside again. I have put myself and my daughter first. I have gone on a few dates. I have come ALIVE! My walk with Jesus has actually gotten closer, because I truly believe that I needed to go through everything I have for a reason... and while the reasons may not be forthcoming yet I know they were good ones. At some point I may give more details on the incidents and how they have changed me today, but for now I will focus on what change i have made.
One is the weight-- every woman loves when they get close to their weight goals :-)... Two is a new hair cut and new attitude -- I got all my hair cut off and will post a picture soon, I also have a much happier attitude towards where I am going... and number Three (this is the big one) --- I have gone on some dates (YAY!!!)... not something I have done since like high school :-)... now my next post will go into some of the dates... this is where it will get funny and you guys will really want to tune in :-)
enjoy your day
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